I Was Broken, But Not Defeated.

 

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A Guide For The Broken Hearted.

 

We’ve all been there. You think things are going well and then the infamous buzz of your phone and those four ominous words.

We need to talk.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but I always think oh just get it over with and just text me you wanna break up and we need to discuss it, much easier. 

I got that same dreaded text a few months ago. We had been dating officially for a month, but seeing each other for two. He was dreamy, I fell like I usually do, hard and fast (always a mistake). We had met each others parents, planned a mini break, and done all the coupley things. I was hopeful, he talked about the future and included me, even loosely discussed me moving in. I was excited, but alas it had to come to an end. I was sat at the side of my Nan’s hospital bed (not perfect timing) when the text came through. The obvious panic attack ensued, and the break up followed later that afternoon. 

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Now don’t lose it, I’m not blaming everything on him and being the whingey ex. There were things going wrong, it was too fast and in the end we discussed everything and it was for the best. We said we would remain friends, but things have gone a little radio silent.

Once the main event is over and done with there’s this kind of void. The crying consumed me. I was moping around the house for a few days feeling a little sorry for myself. I was the stereotypical meme of a break up, in bed, not eating and feeling very low (I also gave myself food poisoning, which is a little ironic as my ex was a chef). A few days past and crying into my bed covers wasn’t doing it for me.

So I decided that although crying is great exercise, I would channel my energy into something else. My nan. I became a carer with my mum for my nan, and my time was taken up with looking after the ones I love most. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about him sometimes. 

I think everyone does this at some stage, but I began to analyse everything about the relationship. What could I have done? The answer is nothing. We got caught up with ourselves, rushed things, and this is how it ended. I didn’t recognise the faults, the things that made me feel uneasy, and I was blind to the negativity that that relationship brought into my life. 

One good thing you can take from a relationship ending is hindsight. Recognise the negativity or the reason why it has failed, and acknowledge that you took your power back. To quote Friends ‘Don’t let them take your wind!’. 

Right now I am recovering from the aftermath of a stressful few months, the break up was a minor event in the S*&! storm that has occurred recently. One thing I keep in mind now is that break ups are a good thing, they take you one step closer to meeting the person you are meant to be with.

I could sit here and say falling fast is bad, moving too quick with someone it always leads to disaster, but if you are not being you in a relationship, if you are holding back, and not letting the person see the authentic you, then is it really worth pursuing.

There’s someone out there for me. I just haven’t found them yet.

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